frankenfossil replied to your post “The thing about not being interested in sexual and/or romantic…”'don't know what it might look like if i got it' - like wanting non-romantic intimacy but not knowing what forms that would take, or knowing what you want but not knowing whether it looks romantic? either way: yessss i feel that. feel all of this guh
Definitely either way, yeah. I think most forms of intimacy look romantic (even when the intent of the involved parties is that they not be), because romance is seen as a shortcut to and justification of intimacy. And maybe it is a shortcut for a lot of people? Idk, in past dating experiences once the relationship turned romantic the other person often suddenly felt and/or wanted a lot of intimacy and trust and closeness with me that I took a lot longer to develop, the same way I would with a friendship. And at the moment I am finding it really difficult to express my desires for non-romantic intimacy with people when I have no easy ‘let’s date’ shorthand to use. It’s a lot more deliberate and that’s hard. Where in dating you’re like ‘be this kind of person to me?’ here I feel like I’m asking ‘do these things with me?’ and that level of specificity makes me feel really vulnerable. But then because of that it’s making me realise how much unwanted intimacy I have accepted because I didn’t really know that I could make such deliberate choices about what I want. I really wonder what a queerplatonic relationship would look like for me, and I’ve been thinking about all these things a lot lately and so you’re getting my 1am rambling on the subject, sorry! Idk if I’m even saying anything new, I just have a lot of feelings.
Yes! From what I’ve seen from various discouses about sorting out boundaries in relationships (A LOT of discourses, be they romantic and/or sexual or neither. mostly i see it in ace/aro stuff and bdsm stuff, or survivor stuff sometimes, but rarely in “‘normal’” relationships (please note scare quotes)), the idea of having a kind of ‘checklist’ keeps coming up, or just a verbal discussion of things people are cool/not cool with, and a lot of people seem to feel slightly uncomfortable with the idea of being so specific about it. It COULD be really useful but there’s still this general feeling that that’s stilted and specific and having the conversation is awkward and ‘oh everything should just flow kind of naturally, boundaries often depend on context and the things that preceded them’ which - yeah, maybe, but that also DOESN’T WORK a lot, especially if you’re navigating forms of relationship that don’t have a ‘script’ for the intimacy you want, or if there are parts of a script that you specifically DON’T want, but still want to have the relationship that seems to ‘require’ it or want to do things that seem to follow on from it. It just seems that a LOT of people, in all kind of situations, would benefit from being able to a) have these conversations without feeling weird about it for whatever reason and b) be able to separate actions from other actions and ‘relationships’ associated with them. (WHICH IS WHY SO MUCH OF ACE AND ARO DISCOURSE NEEDS TO BE HAD WITH NON-ACE AND ARO PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY CAN USE IT TOO, DAMMIT *growls away into the internet* (also the really good things about bdsm culture involve this too))
Also that was a thing that really put me off about queerplatonic relathionships when I first heard of them, because I still ended up in this whole ‘ok but what specific things would that relationship entail’ and ‘what is the difference between that, ordinary friendships, and romantic relationships’ and it’s really hard to get away from the need for some kind of SCRIPT, I JUST WANT A SCRIPT TO FOLLOW, LINE PLEASE.
It’s hard and i want things but all i’ve managed to do is think really hard about ‘dang it’s silly that we gotta categorise all this stuff and not be able to have open conversations’, while still being unable to avoid categorising or have an open conversation about what i’d like to do with people.
I take it all back, lately I’ve been getting some really nice feedback on Em’s bod :3